Call Alibuys – You Were With Us All Night & We Have Proof

How many times do you want to bail from your spouse? The correct answer should be never, fucking pig, but if you answered anything other than that, you disgust me, but call Alibuys so we can make sure you never get caught. We don’t come cheap, but neither does divorce, so if you are a conceited rich asshole dumb enough to not make her sign a prenup, call us. If you are a gold digging whore, cursing the makers of Viagra and Imitrex, for making sex a real possibility with that 82 year old oil tycoon who still thinks it’s cool to wear assless chaps, a cowboy hat and nothing else but gravity yielding flaccidity, call us 561-320-2591. Do it now!

Yes Hugh Jackman, I am talking to you, and other rich guys who figured at one point, this was as good as it was going to get, then fate kicks you in the balls of reality, life suddenly changes, you got rich. I get it, when in Rome. Yeah, it’s called a random homage, look it up. Fame buys you everything, maybe not love, but most definitely an upgrade. I mean really, those X-Men movies with Scarlett Johansson, how can you not go after that? She makes the worst plot lines scintillating. Back when Hugh was stopping dingos from eating babies, his future wife was there. Back when Hugh was licking his wounds over being passed over for Paul Hogan’s child in the never made Crocodile Dundee 4: A Dingo Almost Ate My Baby, and I Wish It Would Have Because This Kid is a Pain in the Ass, she soothed his shattered ego. Apparently Australian machismo fell out of fashion rather quickly, much to the chagrin of Mr. Jackman — kudos to you for Movie 42. Possibly the funniest scene I’ve seen…viewed….

What We Offer:

1. The Convention Package – Have an upcoming Food Additive convention in Cleveland? I feel sorry for you, because you have to meet us there for a day, where myself, and as many people as necessary will go to the LaQuinta Inn, invade their conference room and snap picture after picture, from  the Hawaiian Shirt Welcome mid-afternoon meet and greet, to the business casual buffet featuring Erie caught catfish on Sunday. Our team of photographers and scene setters will snap 72 hours of a boring convention pictures and after parties in downtown Cleveland dive bars, with a  few “really awesome guys I met at last year’s convention” or whatever back story you or we come up with. Maybe we met at a Steeler tailgate, maybe you saved one of us from being mercilessly mauled by an escaped emu, the world is yours to sculpt the most chivalrous of lies. We will friend you on Facebook, Twitter, and even Google+, and begin planting the seeds of deceit immediately. When the weekend fling comes in a month or two, you go to a motel in Monroeville, while we post pictures and tweet from Cleveland and tag you in them. #drunk #latenightpukes #maitaimania #mysteakismediumwheniwantedmediumrarelikemywifeiadoreFor an extra fee, we’ll spy on your spouse, to see if he/she is as miserable as you and planning their own little venture of adultery, thus ensuring a favorable divorce outcome. Tinder, for the greater good…
2. The Hometowner – A little tougher to pull off, our expert team will create 10 instances in future time to prove that you weren’t at the Motel of the Stars in Lake Worth, smoking crack with a girl named Desire, but were instead with “the boys” or “the ladies” feeding the poor. Won’t they feel fucked up accusing you when they see “us” serving up tuna casserole to Angry Bob, who swears aliens took part of his brain and replaced it with a single Chef Boyardee meat ravioli. By the way, all characters mentioned, even real ones, are the intellectual property of Alibuys. You phone in the times of your vowel violations, and we’ll do the rest, posting pictures on Facebook at 20 minute intervals.
   
3. The Trojan Horse – Sponsored by Durex. Ladies, repulsed you slept with that whale…yeah, whale means something in Vegas, but the two are attached far too often. We get it, you hate the memes that champion you are nothing but a genius hooker, but there is hope. We happen to employ a pharmacist, well, ex-pharmacist, who, much like the chemist in Inception, can knock out even the fattest of pigs, by mixing a special cocktail of drugs into every food item in the house, so remember to order in, out, whatever, thus freeing you up to romp with someone who can see his dick. I bet it will feel really good to not vomit post-coitus, and not endure high tide waves of shame wash over you. For an extra fee, we will have Maria, the buxom maid, will be in your blissless bed of regret, naked and cuddling a roll of flab, at the time the drugs wear off, yes, our pharmacist is that good, so that you can catch him in the act. Win. Win. Win. And you’ll have the pics and posts to prove you were at a Tupperware sleep over, where you and friends ate bonbons and watched QVC into the wee hours.

More packages coming soon. We service the globe. Except Japan. You sick abusive fuckers are on your own. Look for the “Is it Bank Robbery if I was at the Ritz?” package, as well as the “Sex Slave Please” where we will abduct you from some European hostel, and post pictures pre-abduction where a creepy guy will be in each background. You’ll just have to be okay living in Cuba or some other land where extradition is not possible. We will fill your Facebook up with concerned posts from all your friends, light candles, and introduce Gabe to Maria, the buxom maid. You’ll be gone and forgotten, and that’s why you pay us.

Call us today. Don’t live another second without hope of getting laid with no financial repercussions, hurt feelings, etc. Let us be your new BFF’s. We have the pictures to prove it all.

***All information is the intellectual property of me, who got the idea from a friend, and advertised here with his blessing. You’ve been warned. ***

Peace,
MFJ